Another Queer Jewish Buddhist

Today is 40 days, which is 5 weeks and 5 days of the Omer: Hod of Yesod

Surrendering to Relationship. This is not the surrender of co-dependency, the giving up of Self with a capital S. No, this is the surrender of the illusion of isolation — that one's actions don't affect another you are in relationship with. The humility of this surrender goes beyond a relationship with a loved one. This is a surrender to letting relationship be the teacher.

This day calls for an affirmation, a practice I think is often misused, since simply repeating an affirmation does not make it true or "manifest" anything. What it certainly does do though is activate the unconscious -- both the power to take actions to make it real, and the negative aspect of Shadow that would do anything in its power to prevent this outcome. So what is the affirmation for today?

I open myself to let every relationship, no matter how important or seemingly trivial deepen my connection with my spiritual essence and the essence of others.

In other words, having the humility to learn from all. This is echoed in the Mishnah that is traditionally read during the period of counting the Omer, the Pirke Avot:

Ben Zoma said, "Who is wise? One who learns from all."

So let's look at the Tarot and see what information its images might offer today. Let's consider the 8 and the 9 of cups. In in the 8 of Cups, the Hod card, we see a wall of cups, with a space between the cups on the upper level. And we see a figure turned away and headed up the mountain under the light of the moon. It suggests to me an abandoning of old emotional defenses that are not only no longer needed or positive, but also not even effective. A willingness to be vulnerable on the journey into the darkness. This is a kind of surrender. And it suggests what must be done if we are to experience the connection that Yesod promises.

However in the 9 of cups we see a man who is clearly quite self-satisfied. He has wealth, and in fact, he is surrounded by a wall of cups that completely isolates him. This is what happens when you don't surrender and walk away from the very seductive defenses of the Cups -- and it is seductive, since it is a table filled, crowded with Cups. Given the sensual nature of Yesod, this is suggestive a being lost in the world of the senses in a way that prevents and defends from relationship. Sensual pleasure without spiritual connection. The man in this card is a warning of what happens if you don't take the high road and leave these cups behind as seen in the 8 of Cups. This man in the 9 of Cups believes he has nothing to learn from anyone: after all, isn't he successful and surrounded by material wealth? Indeed. He is surrounded. And alone.

37 Days: 5 weeks and 2 days of the Omer — Gevurah of Yesod

Discipline in connection is one way of looking at the energy of today's sefirotic combination. And because Yesod is the sefira not only of bonding, but also of sexual connection, we can consider today as the day we look at the way we express sexual energy in our connections with others. Obviously, people do not have sexual relations with everyone they connect with. Though there are some for whom this is an issue, and for a sex addict, today is a good day to consider the boundaries of sexual expression. When we look at the Tarot card, the 9 of Pentacles, we can see that the woman in this very fruitful garden is holding a hooded hawk or falcon. This is an acknowlegment that sexual energy must be held in control. It is an animal instinct that must be channeled appropriately. But at the root of sexual energy is in fact the desire to connect at a deep level — and sometimes humans confuse the deepest level with the physical level. Certainly when the spiritual and physical come together, the experience is profound. But the physical on its own is not enough. And like the falcon that is not hooded, it can be predatory. Thus, today is a day to meditate on how to channel this deep physical need for connection with discipline and thus soar even higher.

Day 32: Netzach of Hod, four weeks and four days of the Omer

For today's sefirotic combination, Endurance in Humility, it's good to look at the suit of Pentacles. The 7 card captures the endurance required of a gardener — not only over the course of one season, but over the course of many seasons for a garden to grow and flourish. This is not only endurance, but patience and love.

The 8 card, Humility is often described as an image of an apprentice — someone who works for a master of a trade and learns from that master with true humility. That true humility does not discount that talent and ability that brings the apprentice to the master in the first place. It is an acknowledgment of the need for direction and guidance coupled with respect for the master who gives that guidance as a spiritual path. For both the master and the apprentice are in a spiritual relationship that enables both to grow. In a sense, they are equals — one has simply gone further down a path and can help the other on the way.

I have seen this at work in Japan, where master potters take on apprentices. Like the apprentice in the 8 of Pentacles, these "deshi" make the same object again and again, learning the perfection of the form. Because they work for the master, if the form is not acceptable, it is destroyed. If it meets the standard, the master signs it. When the apprentice is ready, he or she starts out on his own, and at that point will begin the artistic variations that will make the work truly theirs. But first the form is learned from the inside.

Imagine how it might feel to have someone else sign something that was the work and sweat of your hands. And consider how that form is not only the result of your work, but the training you are given by a teacher. That the form would not exist without that training. This is humility that is also gratitude.

So what is endurance in humility. Well, I can only speak for myself here, as a Westerner who has a great deal of trouble with the system I just outlined above. Because while I understand it, and can respect it. And while I have even attempted it in my studies as an amateur potter and ikebana student in Japan, I am a rebellious American, a New York Jew and thus somewhat, uh, argumentative shall we say? I may take on the role of apprentice, and pledge to myself and a master the discipline of humility. But my endurance in this discipline is weak. Which is perhaps why I've never been a very good gardener either.

What is your relationship to apprenticeship and humility?

Counting the Omer: Day 29 for four weeks and one day of the Omer, Chesed of Hod

Loving kindness in Gratitude. Often Hod is thought of as humility. And indeed it is that. But today I want to consider the gratitude of Hod, for only when we have enough humility can we truly feel gratitude. And, as the psalmist says, "My cup is full and overflowing."

Chesed is an overflowing of lovingkindness. And so today would be a good day to write a gratitude list: those things we're grateful for in our lives, those people, events, things, that we are grateful to the Divine for filling our life with. For indeed, our cup is overflowing. Even today, as many of us experience economic challenges, health issues, legal troubles, exile from communities of origin...despite all these things, Divine love fills us in every moment whether we're aware of it or not. And making conscious that awareness starts with gratitude.

While today's card combination could easiliy be the 4 of Wands with the Eight of Pentacles (and if you are so inclined, consider spending some time in meditation them today) I have chosen something less traditional: The Ace of Cups. Because it is the overflowing cup we are all offered at every moment.

My our hearts overflow with acceptance and gratitude for what is in this very moment, in every moment.

Day 28 — Four weeks of the Omer — Malchut of Netzach

The ten of Swords is one of those dramatic cards — people see the image in a reading and get upset/become afraid. Students of Tarot like to say that it's nothing to be afraid of, that the card is about the death of something we need to let go of — a defense, an outworn belief, or the thing that really doesn't want to die, the ego. Nothing to be afraid of. Yes, but have you ever noticed a defense going without some furious resistance? There's a reason this thing that needs to die has ten swords sticking out of its back! It's strong, and hard to kill. Sort of like a psychological or spiritual Freddy Krueger, it's not gonna die. Like Rasputin, it will have to be shot again and again before it's really dead, if it ever really is.

So what does this have to do with Malchut of Netzach, the Sovereignty of Endurance? The situation that comes to mind for me with this sefirotic combination is one mentioned earlier: a Vipassana sitting of addithan, a sitting of resolute determination.

Vipassana means to see things clearly, and when you sit with your legs crossed without moving for hours at a time you see some things very clearly. You see your body/feel your body in pain and suffering — and you see your mind's reaction to this suffering. If you're really focused, you can see the shadow in the 7 of Swords trying to undermine your resolve; you can see you mind replaying old hurts and defenses, a stance of defensiveness in the world as seen in the 7 of Wands.

These are the habit patterns of the mind that are pierced with the discriminating insight of the 10 of Swords. And when these habit patterns are seen and recognized for what they are, they die a little. Sometimes we have to learn to recognize them again and again before they totally die. Sometimes we only need to see these housebuilders only once. But once we have seen them, and are no longer enslaved to them, we are truly the sovereign of our soul, we are transformed, free.

This is the level of endurance that is called for in Malchut of Netzach. And the reward is hte ability to see the false idols and golden calves in our own lives. To recognize them for what they are, and in so doing, take their power away; consciously integrating that power into our lives.

May we all have the power to endure seeing our demons, may we have the strength and insight to endure and tranform our suffering, our bread of affliction, into the journey to freedom, consciousness and spiritual responsibility.

Keyn yehi ratzon.    

Today is 27 Days, totaling three weeks and six days of the Omer: Yesod of Netzach

I admit it, the first thing my mind went to when I thought of Yesod of Netzach is Viagra. After all, Yesod is, among many other things, connected to the genitals, and when you tie that to Netzach, or endurance, well, my school yard mind just ran with it. And then I realized there was actually something to consider here. Not so much about lasting a long time in bed as about the long term commitment of monogamy. And how many bonds that are solely (and thus soullessly) sexual endure? In the search for the long-term companion, the body-and-soul mate I wondered about the energy of this sefirotic combination, and thus laid out the cards you see here in two pairings for meditation and elucidation: The Seven of Cups with the Nine of Swords, and the Seven of Swords with the Nine of Wands.

In the  7 of  Cups we see someone who is easily distracted by the attractive — and in this example I’ll take that to mean someone who’s eyes roam sexually. Because this is a card of Gevurah, this is someone who has known success, and success in relationship. However, this relationship may be lost because he cannot fully bond, he cannot fully commit to the long haul. He’s too busy fantasizing about other possibilities.

Let’s acknowledge that "the long haul" is scary. Monogamy is scary. It brings up all kinds of fears — not merely of being trapped, but for many men who find themselves now out of the race there is the fear of no longer being able to win. This is relationship as conquest. And it’s the wrong kind of endurance, because of course “looks” do not endure. The need for new conquests is the sign of a weak ego in need of bolstering from outside, which is not a formula for the Victor of Netzach, rather it is a formula for failure, since the self-esteem is never won with these conquests.

In fact, this course leads directly to the nightmare in the 9 of Swords — someone alone in bed, awake in the middle of the night and filled with anguish and regret.

The bonding quality of endurance in sexual relationships commits you to one person, and in the alchemy of the soul, this alembic leads one to the riches of heaven, which are nothing like the distracting array of snares in the 7 of Cups.

In the second pairing, the 7 of Swords is an illustration of self-defeating action, stealing victory from oneself. It is a card showing the danger of unawareness, the unconscious desire that is always ready to undermine our efforts, our endurance/victory. This kind of action creates relationships of mistrust and hurt, defensiveness and worse, the isolation we see in the 9 of Wands.

This spread is very much the opposite of the energy of the day, Yesod in Netzach/Bonding in Endurance. It is about the pain that results from acting out sexually, the result of infidelity in a monogamous relationship.

Both of these spreads are excellent to look at today because on Day 27, when we count the Omer we are making a conscious commitment to Bonding in Endurance, and thus working out anything in ourselves that stands in the way of this goal.

Anytime we make a conscious commitment it raises the psychic energy of our unconscious counter commitment. We can see this dynamic at work right in the story that is the culmination of counting of the Omer — the people of Israel are waiting for Moses to come down from Sinai and they promised, as he went up, to remain faithful. But while he is away they return to the idols they left behind and create a golden calf. There is an insufficient cleaving of the soul to the Divine, the bond is not deep enough and there is no endurance for them to last even the few days Moses is on the mountain top.

The people’s counter commitment to remaining enslaved asserts itself. This is the warning of these cards. When we are victorious we are most vulnerable to believing we are in charge. But the 7 of Swords calls us to be aware of our inner spoiler. The 7 of Cups serves as a warning to watch out for the grandiose belief that we can have everything, and to watch out for unchecked and unfocussed desire.

May we all wake from the trance and renew our commitment to a faithful and enduring relationship. Directly with the Divine, and with the Divine as expressed in another. Keyn yehi ratzon.

Today is 26 days, which makes three weeks and five days of the Omer: Hod of Netzach

In the Seven of Pentacles we see a young man who has succeeded in his "field." This is a visual pun since the Victory of Netzach this card represents is the culmination of working towards a level of success and recognition in the world and in the profession one has taken on. However, the figure in the card seems somewhat pensive. It is as though he has worked to be able to harvest these fruits, but is not really interested in them.

I can certainly identify with this situation: setting a goal, and upon reaching it, feeling a vague dissatisfaction. Sometimes this is because the goal I set wasn't really what I wanted. Or I was looking for a deeper satisfaction from either the experience or the attainment that did not come.

A clue in this card is that the fruits being harvested in this card are pentacles — the suit that is most connected to the material world. And when one seeks satisfaction in only the material, one is bound to be disappointed. For that matter, when one succeeds in material attainment, to do so without the humble recognition that it is not only our doing alone that got us there, well that leads to an inflated sense of self, and thus ultimately defeats our attempts at intimate relationship.

In this card combination, Netzach card is mediated by Hod, which here is the Eight of Wands, a card of sudden awakening. While the man in his field is only looking down, he does not realize that the universe is about to send him a very intense experience that gets him to look up and out, beyond himself, and to realize that his attainment is not just his alone. And he will experience Humility in Victory, which is the energy of Hod of Netzach. It is an awakening to the fact that the endurance and determination that led to our success comes from a place where endurance is limitless. And that any success we have in this world is not only a gift for us to enjoy, but it is a bounty to be shared with humility.

Twenty Days: Two weeks, Six days of the Omer. Yesod of Tiferet

Yesod, once again, is the sefira that corresponds to the second chakra — of sexual energy, generativity, and most importantly in Kabbalah, connectivity or bonding. This is an energy that is clearly physical in nature. And today the energy that we meditate on is that connection in beauty, as well as the bond forged in compassion. These may seem to be somewhat opposite at first. However, anyone who has been in a deep, long-term committed relationship knows the compassion partners have for each other — they see the true beauty in the fully vulnerable humanity in the lover, and have compassion for the ways the lover is broken.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote "There is a crack in everything God has made." This is in alignment with the Kabbalistic view, and that it is our job to help repair the world. Part of the work of this repair is seeing the beauty in the brokenness and loving it. After all, the Divine love flows through all things. How can we love it any less? How can we feel anything less than compassion for all Creation, including ourselves? And how can we see it as anything less than beautiful?

One note about the image of the Nine of Pentacles, which captures some important information about the energy of Yesod. In this garden, the mistress holds a falcon that is hooded. It is a recognition of the animal nature of sexuality, and the fruits that come from understanding how to control this energy and channel it in ways that create connection and celebrate beauty and compassion. So may we all walk this path.

Today is 7 days, making 1 week, of the Omer: Malkuth of Chesed

Psychologists Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks speak of something they call the Upper Limits Problem: when we experience a breakthrough to a new level of energy or realization, love or success and then do something to sabotage it and bring ourselves back to our familiar level of misery.

So here we are at the end of a week in which we experience Divine Love in a number of manifestations, and in the 10 of Wands we see someone who is experiencing all this as a burden. It's become too much to bear all this love, all this creative energy.

Looking again at this card, and thinking of the celebration in the 4 of Wands, I can also see this card as a man bringing the gifts of loving kindness for everyone to share at the celebration. He is the one who has taken the responsibility to gather the sparks of the shattered vessels. And in fact, you can see the 10 card as the moment when the vessels begin to shatter -- in the first week, when the sefirot are not yet in full relationship, the energy that descends becomes to much to hold.

So the question for today is can we allow our hearts to break in the reality of the world as it presents itself to us in all its suffering day after day, and then can we do the work to gather the shards of our broken hearts, the sparks of the broken vessels? Or to ask the question as Mark Epstein titled his classic book on Buddhism and psychology: How do we go to pieces without falling apart?

All of this is part of the work that will continue every day moving forward on this path.

Today is four days of the Omer: Netzach in Chesed

Picking up on the flower metaphor from the previous post on advertising, it’s interesting to note the natural movement between opening and closing that happens between Tiferet and Netzach in the suit of Wands on this the 4th day of the Omer.

Oddly, yesterday’s cards included the 6 of Wands, often called Victory, even though it was the card of Tiferet, the open heart. And today, in Netzach of Chesed, which is Victory in Loving Kindness, our card is the 7 of Wands, a card in which a highly defensive stance is taken.

In noticing this movement I think about the spiral movement I experience in the shift from feeling open to being closed and defended. How each time I open, it’s too a deeper place. And each time a defense rises in fear it comes from a more primitive place. And of course, in the course of a day a flower opens and closes naturally, opening to take in the energy of the Sun and then closing to conserve energy and use it to grow from within in the dark (as do we all). So what does all of this have to do with today’s sefirotic energies? It’s just one question to meditate on.

Victory is only one face of Netzach. There is also the characteristic of Endurance. In the inevitable storms and attacks from the world, how enduring is my love? As a queer jew(bu) I try to remain conscious of an attitude of defensiveness I can sometimes carry, expecting to be attacked in faith communities for my physical expression of love for other men; expecting to be attacked in queer communities for identifying with a faith community along with my spiritual expression of love for the Divine and the world. Can I hold on to the tension of both without tension? Can I see the chip that’s sometimes on my shoulder or the wound I carry and not react in blind anger or pain? Can I know how to live with an open heart and still know how to defend myself and keep good boundaries? All questions to consider on the 4th day of the Omer.