Another Queer Jewish Buddhist

Today is 9 days, which is one week and two days, of the Omer: Gevurah of Gevurah

The form of form. Emptiness of emptiness. Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles (yes a Fiddler on the Roof reference, which was also made in You Will Experience Silence, the brilliantly funny and deep queer jewish play I saw at Dixon Place last night).

So when faced with this, the 9th day, the first thing that came to my mind was my chafing under the form when I first began to study Sogetsu Ikebana, the modern school of Japanese flower arranging. Even though Sogetsu is the most modern of the schools, the beginner starts with a basic form and does it again and again. When you look at the diagram of the form, you can see it is very, well, formal:

As you can see, the arrangement of the flowers is quite fixed. And when I first started working in this most basic of forms, if I varied an angle by so much as a degree my teacher would move it to the correct angle. If I tried to improvise something because I felt it would be a little more interesting or creative, she would correct me and move it back to the proper form. I resisted at first. And then I surrendered to it.

And I learned the freedom of form. For that matter, when I realized how truly different the arrangements looked from student to student, I was stunned. When I saw how varied this one form seemed as the materials varied from week to week, I was impressed. And when I considered that no matter what, the arrangment always looked natural, I was a disciple.

Eventually I studied enough so that I became a low level teacher in the school, and exhibited in the annual show at the Takashimaya department store in Nihonbashi.

Today is the day in which we look at the structure we give our lives, and whether we follow it and feel the freedom in that structure. Whether we resist. Whether we think of it as imposed from outside or something we joyously take on and make truly our own.

In this way, I look to this ancient Japanese practice developed by Buddhist monks to inform my experience of this ancient Jewish practice of counting the Omer and meditating on the sefirotic energy of the day. Some would consider this boundary breaking — and thus destructive of form and discipline. What do you think?

Queer Product Watch: The Door Knob Cover

That's actually what the katakana says in this photo found on <3Yen.com: Doa Nobu Kaba. This goes to my very first experience shopping in Tokyo. I had just moved into my Western style apartment in Mita, and found that the oven was in severe need of cleaning. So I took my trusty Japanese English dictionary down to the local store and trying to put together two words to create the phrase "oven-cleaner" I came up with some very odd locutions that made no sense to the Japanese. So I threw up my hands in frustration and said in English, all I want is some oven cleaner. To which the clerk said, "Ahh, obun-kureena!"

Of course, it's true the Japanese use loan words all the time. In their own inimitable way. But this product, the door knob cover captures for me the Japanese obsession with keeping things clean and germ free. And it also captures my both silly and salacious imagination as a penis cozy.

Put it in me Scott

Okay, just how queer is this Quiznos commercial? Starring a toaster oven that is the bastard child of HAL9000, and a fast food clerk who's sexier than anyone I've seen behind the counter of a Quiznos.

Toaster: Scott, I want you to do something.

Scott: I'm not doing that again, I'm burned.

Toaster: We both enjoyed that. [product copy] Put it in me Scott.
It's over a foot of flavor...Say it Scott, say it sexier....

I hereby nominate "Put it in me Scott" as the best catchphrase of the year. And it's only March.

Scrotalitarianism: Keeping your balls (not the german underwear) clean and fresh.

Yes, now men don't have to feel left out of when feminine hygiene ads run on TV. Manjunk promises fight odor causing bacteria that impede your sex life. Of course, you can be the auteur and create the TV commercial — Manjunk is sponsoring a video contest for the best ad, with winners getting a tropical vacation where no doubt, it will be hot and humid, so that product use will be essential. Unless of course, you are of the opinion that the fresh fragrance of a sweaty crotch is a turn on.

My favorite visual on the MJ website is the eye, looking through what can only be described as a gloryhole. You can't make this stuff up and if only for this reason alone I would include it in my ongoing Queer Product Watch. I imagine if you work for a client like this, you can sure have a lot of fun. Unless you use the product. 

Then there is the ad campaign for Balls underwear, which can be seen at their site. It features famous men, in scenes we recognize, except for the fact they are only wearing the undies. My favorite is the one of Errol Flynn, who was one of the sexiest men ever to grace the silver screen, in his signature role of Robin Hood. It's a very silly campaign, but I still love this ad. And I don't believe for a minute that Errol Flynn would be caught dead with Manjunk under those brief. He might be caught dead with an underage girl in a hotel room, which in fact he was, since when he died his girlfriend was 17. But Manjunk? I think not. 
 

This could be an ongoing theme: best penis quote of the day!

The ongoing Chinese food scandals have now rocked the U.K. sex toy market. Seems that melamine in dangerous levels has been found in a chocolate flavoring used to make the sucking all the sweeter. A spokesman for the British Food Standards Agency, in alerting the nation to this clear and present danger, said:

"We’ve never had to put out an alert before on 'willy spread' – chocolate-flavoured or otherwise."

Even better, Ann Summers, the owner of the  sex toy chain (and of course, chains are sex toys) gave me even more of a laugh with this quote:

"As a responsible retailer we have tested all of our chocolates and even before the FSA alert was issued had taken all relevant steps to remove the chocolate willy spread product that could be affected by this issue."

Just how are they testing the willy spread? And do they need help?

Queer Product Watch: Saks Fifth Avenue Ruby Slipper Collection...

Today's New York Times had an ad for a new collection of shoes from Saks: the Ruby Slipper Collection. Yes, you can see one of the original pair of pumps that graced St. Judy's feet in The Wizard of Oz — they're on display tomorrow through Sunday, September 14th.

And you can buy modern "reinterpretations" of this classic by a number of big name fashion folks (see Jimmy Choo's right). I don't think clicking your heels in them will get you anywhere. Well, they won't get you to Kansas, but then, who wants to go there anyway? They might get you onstage at Comix, where last night, along with an excellent set by Keith Price there was a less than excellent set by Hedda Lettuce (drag and volume is not enough, but maybe some red shoes to go with the green dress might have helped, then again, maybe not).

Which leads me to the question, will there be more gay men buying shoes at this show than straight women?

GREAT GAMS (And I don't mean gay asian males as much as I love them)

Gams. It's slang from an era that's really before my time, but I grew up hearing the word in movies from the 30s and 40s. Refers to the legs. Particularly the legs you can see on a woman who is wearing the mid-length skirts that were worn in those days. Thus concentrating on the calves and ankles.

So here we see an example of great gams. Not to mention thighs. And the hint of a butt. I can't begin to imagine the creative brief the agency got from this client — an Australian company that makes and sells ladders — Bailey Hills. But Calves of the Month? I just love advertising that twists expectations and sexualizes/objectifies men in ways most ads would do the same to women. Of course, while it plays with expectations, and does get attention, it does also do the thing that women complain about, and in fact contributes to a mindset that makes objects of people (while trying to sell objects like ladders). BTW, if you're interested in seeing the Calves of the Month winners for July and May, take a look at the other ads.

You can see I am of two minds about the business I am in. But I am rather single minded in taking pleasure in those great gams, and a witty campaign. Too bad the website it drives you too doesn't complete the user experience. Ahem.

Oh, and for the record, in my books there are few men hotter than GAMs with great gams. Now I could could only meet one who's marriage-minded in my direction. (Talk about specializing in two kind of objectification at once!)

Now You Can Really Have An Ass Like A Peach

Or at least you can have an ass that smells like a peach. As always, the Japanese know how to make the toilet experience something transcendent. Or beyond words, I'm not sure. In any case, if you live in those horned isles (the title of a book about Japan by queer poet James Kirkup) you can now purchase pink toilet paper that gives your bum the fragrance of a fresh peach. Mmmm. Juicy. Many thanks to Ron in Tokyo for this latest for the queer product watch.

Of course, the Japanese plumbing supply company Toto doesn't much truck with toilet paper. On their new US website, CleanIsHappy.com, they are finally selling the high-tech toilet seats to Americans that have been available to the Japanese for decades. And as one of the several spokespeople who is first introduced to us visually with a picture of a smiling face on a perky posterior says, toilet paper just distributes the problem. Which is why this heated toilet seat with a bidet style spray calibrated to body temperature and angled just right, is followed by a jet of warm air to dry those places where the sun doesn't shine. Perhaps Toto can offer a peach fragrance spray and totally flush out the competition.

Not to knock Toto. I lived in Japan for 7 years, and I love those toilet seats. Whoever thought the porcelain throne would be such a hedonistic experience? I wonder what Dave Praeger, copywriter extraordinaire and author of Poop Culture would have to say about all of this.

Queer Product Watch: Pecker (And We're Not Talking John Waters' Films)

When you slide a pecker in your mouth do you prefer to suck it or chew and bite? A tasteless question to introduce another tasty snack from Japan:

Note the little inset on the lower right. They're hollow, and seem to have something inside. I hesitate to even hazard a guess, since my Japanese is rather rusty. So I leave it to your imagination. But since the product is a kind of pretzel, it might very well be salty.

If only Johnny Depp was in that box.

All right, I'll stop.

Your submissions for Queer Product Watch are always welcome, from anywhere in the world.

Queer Product Watch: Hard Gay Toy

If you're not familiar with the Japanese comedian whose schtick is a character called Hard Gay, you clearly haven't been wasting time on Youtube. Suffice to say he takes the Leather Queen stereotype to the max, and plays it for all it's comic possibilities in situations all across Tokyo. And like celebrities everywhere his image has turned up on products. So what would be an appropriate product for a character like this? Why a children's toy of course.

Gaku, a friend in Tokyo, sent me this little item. This toy/game involved kids sticking swords into a barrel, and the player whose sword leads the man in the barrel to jump out loses. The man in the barrel used to be a pirate. But he has been replaced with Hard Gay. The unconscious psychological implications of this are just to bizarre even for Japan.

Here you see Hard Gay in his Leather Cap and dark sunglasses appearing out of the barrel much like a magician's assistant at the end of the usual sword in a barrel trick.

If you've got something to submit to Queer Product Watch, let me hear from you.